How are you?

Oh, I'm doing fine, thanks for not asking.
I'm teetering on the very fine line that divides sanity and breaking down. Balancing with my eyes closed, there's nothing to support me, no one's hand to grab, yes I think I'm alone.
I wish there was something to grab onto, some thin thread of hope, maybe, that I could visualise and reach out to, and hold on, hold on so tight.
But there's nothing.
No one's throwing me lifelines, do I expect anyone to? I guess I'll just have to pray I can hold on to this fragile situation and not let it escalate out of control and spiral down, down, down.

Oh, I look fine, of course I do. Maybe a little sadder and more subdued than usual.
Maybe peer a little closer you'll see my eyeliner smudged at the sides, hey, waterproof eyeliner can only hold up that much.

Should I even keep count? I can tell you how many days, hours and minutes it's been.
-Only I'll take a little while, since I'm perfectly crap at math, like many other things in life.

I'm perfectly fine.

Of course I am.
I'm fine.


I don't think so.

When you get calls at 7:30 am and your friends are asking you to skip school totally and go to Escape theme park, your first reaction would be "don't fake backside!"

But it turned out to be true, and so today Chingy, Mervy and Fatboy skipped everything. Luckily, Terence was being a good boy and he stayed in school, so the two of us slacked through IPRA and Econs lectures, drawing on tables, running out halfway during IPRA to buy food, playing with laser pointers, eating and destroying pencils. Then we flipped a coin - a US dime to be exact - and it was "heads we don't go for Web Publishing and tails we don't go for WP.

The coin ended up on heads so we didn't go for Worker's Party, and I went home reaaall early.

And I just heard from Nicolette that this week's WP was pretty important, as they were learning more MX Flash, and there would be a test on it next week ):


Franklin Delano Roosevelt, I am never going to vote for you as president ever again. Never mind that you're dead and all. If you weren't on the dime that we flipped, we might have gone to Web Publishing!

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts..

Isn't that some emo song? Or some pseudo-emo-indie-xcore-sxe-psychedelic-spacy-trip-hop song? Like the one with the starting that goes "dum dumdadumdadadadum".
ok never mind.

I have Rajan's class at 8am tomorrow, or rather, later today, which means I have to be up at 5am. I'm going to get less than 4 hours of sleep once again, which will result in me sleeping right through IPRA and Econs lectures, which would be because I'd have exerted considerable self-control to stay awake for Rajan.

Urgh.

It doesn't help that I can't sleep. I was lying in my bed with all the lights out and I got out again, turned Larry on and well, now I'm surfing around aimlessly after enabling the "civillians carry weapons", "civillian riot" and finally "everyone's elvis" cheats in GTA and watching the ensuing mess.

I've realised how long nights are. Sometimes I envy people who can just sleep at 10pm, or maybe 11pm, and wake up normally the next day. Other times I pity them, because at night it's just so different, so peaceful, so empty
-yet you don't feel alone.
Or maybe you do.
I'm feeling how lonely nights can be now.
My phone is so quiet, so neglected.
The smallest things make me cry stupidly.
Trivial things make me tear.
I'm pretty much a loser, no matter how tough and strong I act.

I guess night time's a great release for me, when I've gone back to my room and I'm alone, everything that I've kept bottled up during the day and the evening can come tumbling out, no holds barred. I can cry whenever I want to, when something sets me off. I've been such a fountain recently it's a wonder I haven't cried myself dry.


When your local ahlian/ahbeng tells you that
~`LuRBvE HuRtxX'~
you better fucking believe them.

I've got blind faith in you..

..maybe just a little too much.

As a line in a Poison song goes:

"if I bare my soul, don't you break my heart"


but you have, sort of.

Sometimes, I have to rethink being all-truthful.
Maybe sometimes it's better to just lie.

To pretend everything's fine, when asked, just say "I'm good, I'm fine, spankin'fuckingawesome thank you."

It'd prevent situations like this.
I shouldn't bare my soul to you, nor to anyone else completely. It only produces trouble, not just for me but I guess for everyone.

Just silence that screaming little person inside and smile! Everything's a-ok!

I know it's not the best of times to start crying, I should just go to sleep, there's school tomorrow and my eyes will look like shit. Also, maybe it'd all be better in the morning.


At least I hope so.


I'm such a pathetic loser anyway.

It's well past three am and I'm writing a letter that you'll never get.
My hands are shaking, my vision's blurred and my eyes are all wet
'Cause I don't know what to say to you anymore
I don't know why we're like this,
it's so different now, from our first kiss
And I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I know I've tried, I think you have too, but it's not easy.
Are you afraid of what might happen? I know I'm real scared, just please don't leave me.
'Cause I don't know what will happen if we don't believe
I don't know what's going wrong with us,
can we get by with just faith and trust?
Is it possible that I'm too naive?

Ok since Dong insists, I'm updating.
YOU BETTER THANK ME whahhaha ok, ok rubbish.

I passed econs! For CA1. There's still CA2 and CA3, and I'm real screwed cause I don't know anything else hahaa.


Anyway, are you happy?

I've realised that no one makes me really, throughly, truly, completely happy anymore. Now don't get me wrong, lots of people make me happy and I'm blessed and thankful that I know all the people whom I know, all my wonderful friends, my dear best friend, my beloved boyfriend..

But no one makes me completely happy. Often I laugh and make a lot of noise, but inside, I don't think I'm completely fulfilled.

Are we all like this? Are any of us completely happy?


Are you?

Sometimes I feel like an idiot for thinking so much, especially when you seem to be so unperturbed about everything.
It's just not the same, my dear.

It's not like anyone comes here anymore anyway.
Kind of like my life now.

I'm staying home the whole day today.

It's rather nice, I've been sleeping on and off the whole day, and I could get used to that, I think. Sleep is rare to me most times. However, in between sleep, in between dreams, it's not so awesome, cause I start to think. And you know how I can always think too much.

Anyway I was thinking that the world looked real nice outside the window. Like it was sunny, and if I thought and imagined hard enough, I could make-believe that it was cold outside, too. Just the weather I like, cold but sunny. It was so wonderful that I almost made myself believe in it wholeheartedly, and I very almost got up to go take a walk outside, would you believe that? But no, it's just my mind at work, deceiving me again, and it was a major letdown.

I miss weather like that. I miss countries with weather like that.

Also, I was thinking (yes, still), and I realised that I've drifted apart from so many people. Now it can't always be my fault, and solely mine, can it?
Relationships take work from both parties, and lately in a number of my relationships I haven't seen that work from both sides.
God knows that I've tried, especially for once such friendship that means a lot to me. All the times we used to spend talking, the things we've been through?
All for nothing? Now we hardly even talk anmore.
What if it was never really meant to be in the first place?

I have to steel myself to even think of that. But what if it's true? What if?

oh fuck.

KNNBCCB FUCK FUCK FUCK OH FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND THE APPLE GUY AND EVERY FUCKER WHO WAS IN THIS TOGETHER AND THE FUCKER WHO NEVER THOUGHT TO DELETE THAT OPTION OR WARN POOR FUCKERS AND FUCK THEM AND THEIR MOTHER AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER CAN GET FUCKED BY A PIG AND THEN REAMED WITH A GARDEN HOE AND SPAT ON BY A GNOME AND FUCK YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR SONS AND YOUR FAVOURITE PETS AND FUCK THEIR DAUGHTERS AND SONS AND FUCK EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FUCKER IN THIS.

I got a new laptop, and that should've been something happy yes? But nooo, the fucking new iTunes goes and deletes every fucking song in Freddie! So, now I'm left with zilch. Nada. N-O-T-H-I-N-FUCKING-G.

oh kill me. kill me now. and go fuck stray dogs.